I guess you cant always be truly happy.
I guess without hardships, you can never appreciate the beautiful struggle.

i had a dream that i my dad parked the car because there was a tornado coming.  it came towards our car but was not destructive at all. Then i had a dream it was summertime and i was at school. we were talking about trails and i looked in to a bush and there was a long sinking boardwalk in murky water, that was our trail.

"Tornados
To see a tornado in your dream, suggests that you are experiencing some extreme emotional outbursts and temper tantrums. Is there a situation or relationship in your life that may be potentially destructive?

To dream that you are in a tornado, signifies that you are feeling overwhelmed and out of control. You will be met with a series of disappointments for the next week or so. Your plans will be filled with complications.

To see several tornadoes in your dream, represent people around you who are prone to violent outbursts and shifting mood swings. It may also symbolize a volatile situation or relationship."

"Boardwalk
To dream that you are on a boardwalk, symbolizes your life's path. It represents your social circle and lifestyle"

I went for a walk around a storm water pollution pond, and  heard so many bird calls.
Usually when I'm walking around I'm so wrapped up in what im thing about or talking about that i dont even notice the birds singing.
I saw this one bird, that was as big as a pigeon, but was way to pretty and had a long tail feather.  i thought i would be able to tell it by sight, but i remembered i slept in on the bird by site class, and failed the bird calls quiz.
So i forgot about it, and went to get ice cream, after leaving the plaza i saw two birds fighting in a bush, then this big bird with a long tail feather and blue wings flew out. It was a cooper's hawk! i did a bird Id test on accipters and hawks just a week ago!
so i went home thinking about birds, and i saw the same pretty pigeon bird again! it was a mourning dove! you  would think something so pretty like a dove would never be around here. anyways. really random  i know.

After watching  "do you realize" and" to all the boys I've loved before"

I realized, I'm so happy to be alive. and that I'm so happy to be SO over him.


I was such a mess. I liked you soo much, and i fell so hard. Then when it was over i cried so much. ups and downs. I felt like i could never be happy, or no one would ever be better than you. It also hurt soo much whenever I'd run into you with a new girl, even if i was looking hot. You promised me you would wait. you promised that when you fall for something, you fall hard and that it lasts. you said you would wait. but you lied.

You broke me, and ruined me. But  grew into a beautiful person. I know love, he's really amazing. and yeah... i did grow up.


we can still be friends though.

 i can't believe it.
i actually miss the dirty roads and the noisy children
i miss my ghetto house in the philippines
ugh why was i such a brat!!! i should have just made the best of my trip rather than just complaining..i want to go back!!!
i dont mind being ghetto.

I managed to go home early yesterday!
so Im going to be home til monday!
then next weekend for another long weekend.
this is such a tease, i cant wait for it to just be summer. and i can be home for four months = )
Im start to lose the drive for school,  im at the point where im saying " whatevs, i have percents  i can lose"

school be over already!!!

Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though its breaking
When there are clouds in the sky, youll get by
If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
Youll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile


Thats the time you must keep on trying
Smile, whats the use of crying?
Youll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile

The Benjamin Franklin of Monogamy

Reminiscing in the drizzle of Portland, I notice
the ring that's landed on your finger, a massive
insect of glitter, a chandelier shining at the end

of a long tunnel. Thirteen years ago, you hid the hurt
in your voice under a blanket and said there's two kinds
of women—those you write poems about

and those you don't. It's true. I never brought you
a bouquet of sonnets, or served you haiku in bed.
My idea of courtship was tapping Jane's Addiction

lyrics in Morse code on your window at three A.M.,
whiskey doing push-ups on my breath. But I worked
within the confines of my character, cast

as the bad boy in your life, the Magellan
of your dark side. We don't have a past so much
as a bunch of electricity and liquor, power

never put to good use. What we had together
makes it sound like a virus, as if we caught
one another like colds, and desire was merely

a symptom that could be treated with soup
and lots of sex. Gliding beside you now,
I feel like the Benjamin Franklin of monogamy,

as if I invented it, but I'm still not immune
to your waterfall scent, still haven't developed
antibodies for your smile. I don't know how long

regret existed before humans stuck a word on it.
I don't know how many paper towels it would take
to wipe up the Pacific Ocean, or why the light

of a candle being blown out travels faster
than the luminescence of one that's just been lit,
but I do know that all our huffing and puffing

into each other's ears—as if the brain was a trick
birthday candle—didn't make the silence
any easier to navigate. I'm sorry all the kisses

I scrawled on your neck were written
in disappearing ink. Sometimes I thought of you
so hard one of your legs would pop out

of my ear hole, and when I was sleeping, you'd press
your face against the porthole of my submarine.
I'm sorry this poem has taken thirteen years

to reach you. I wish that just once, instead of skidding
off the shoulder blade's precipice and joyriding
over flesh, we'd put our hands away like chocolate

to be saved for later, and deciphered the calligraphy
of each other's eyelashes, translated a paragraph
from the volumes of what couldn't be said.

Jeffrey McDaniel

making love stay, why does everyone make it seem so complicated?
when do people just give up, and assume they know everything about the person they love?
do they really know EVERYTHING? or do they just want to stop learning?

I think love is a process, I can say i love Chris.  Or maybe it's "love-ing"...I'm loving Chris. I really love the person that he is. I admire the way he is, and why he's that way. Of course there are things i disagree with, but because i love him, i stay to work through it to learn. This is going to take a long time to find EVERYTHING, is that love? I'm excited.

i hate it when people call me immature and tell me to get to the "college" level. Especially when the teacher's course is to teach us about setting goals and attaining them.

I still don't know why this is still bothering me.

I'm going to finish the 2 year eco-system's management diploma.
Then I'm going to transfer into 2nd or 3rd year enviro studies at York.
Then I am going to be successful, and own an old house by the beaches area.

shaping me. somehow.

i hung out with my cousin mae ALOT as a child.
i got my intake of 90's pop culture from my older brother and cousin mae.

in my house there was always boys II men, b.i.g, and method man  in the background.

or I'd be watching sheryl crowe sing in a garage about how she just wants to have fun

or I'd watch joey flirt with dawson then pacey with ate me

or watched taped episodes of gem and the hollograms

or when i'd get scared watching buffy

or listen to CHFI on my way to pick up my mom everyday.

or watch the YTV hitlist with all the brit pop bands and spicegirls

or make dances to songs in the school field on recess

or wear jean over alls with the tshirt with the plastic shape and the colourful fluid inside it

or wear tshirts with animals on it

or wear the plastic shoes

and you can never forget... the side pony tail

or bi way, thats when scooters roller palace was the shiiit

nothing like laying on the hotel floor, and hearing " doooont stop, believin' . gotta hold on to that feeeelin"...ooh journey

 my schemesville week is over, and i got away with it!!

He's reading the globe and mail.
I'm checking up on things at home.
We're both lying on the bed.
We're both eating leftover Chinese food in mugs that we microwaved.
We walked 20-30 minutes  to get this Chinese food,  and a few packs of mr.noodles,this is the beautiful struggle.

I could be anywhere, as long as he's with me to.

(teheh movie line)
... i also think we'd make the cutest children.

 this has been a good weekend.
I'm really happy i got to do things that i loved doing before.
Its funny  how I say that, "before".It's like I've been living in Lindsay for an eternity.
I spent the evening at the mall, looking at all the new things, seeing old friends, eating and hanging around chapters for hours. linking arms and browsing.

good times.

Glass of wine
Candlelight
Music made for quiet times
I'm feelin' mellow
I need my
Sweetie pie
Here to lay me out tonight
I want it
I want it
But I can't get it

Take good care of me tonight

At home
I'm so alone
I'm wishin' you were here
Baby tonight
My bed is cold
I'm wishin' you were near
Cause I'm in a sexy mood
And only you can fill my needs
I'll lay here
And take care of it
'Til you come home to me

Always sound sensuous
Anytime we pillow talk
Using such few words
I get sensitive when you work
It feels so good when it hurts
Always want more and more
And I know you can't be here
That usually don't faze me
I need you tonight
Boy it's drivin' me crazy
Yearnin' inside
With this burnin' desire
I want it
I want it
But I just can't get it from you

Take good care of me tonight

At home
I'm so alone
I'm wishin' you were here
Baby tonight
My bed is cold
I'm wishin' you were near
Cause I'm in a sexy mood
And only you can fill my needs
I'll lay here
And take care of it
'Til you come home to me

Ah ah
Take care of me
Ah ah
Fufill my needs
Ah ah,
Take care of me

Take good care

Ah ah
Take care of me
Ah ah
Fufill my needs
Ah ah
Whatever you can be
Ah ah
I'll take good care of me

Take good care of me tonight

At home
I'm so alone
I'm wishin' you were here
Baby tonight
My bed is cold
I'm wishin' you were near
Cause I'm in a sexy mood
And only you can fill my needs
I'll lay here
And take care of it
'Til you come home to me

[Repeat]

Ah ah
Take care of me
Ah ah
Fufill my needs
Ah ah
Take care of me

Take good care

Ah ah
Take care of me
Ah ah
Fufill my needs
Ah ah
Whatever you can be
Ah ah
I'll take care of mewww.youtube.com/watch

 i survived a weekend in Lindsay, even with the girl drama.

i just had to remember that I'm 19 turning 20,  not 16 turning 17. Been there already.

its amazing what the insecurities of some girls can drive them to do.  I don't really know how drama starts in college, maybe its the insecure girls that come straight from high school. it's their time to shine to show what they learned from highschool, that isnt bio, calc, or phys ed. Its funny though, that once one of them falters, i cant hep but feel sorry and try to reassure them that they werent that much of a bitch, she just needed to grow up. Was that civilized enough? or was that just locker talk. who knows.

i woke up today wanting to go to church, but since im here i just went for a hike and listened to alot of floetry. My friend keeps trying to get me to lose my faith in God. its a little strange. it was the typical evolution theory, "Why has God forgotten us?", and the abstract.  i explained to him my build-a-bear Jesus theory.  You cant fully believe in religion unless  you can relate to it. I was brought up in a catholic house, church all the time, BNP.  God was the answer to everything, until i could think for myself.  then you question things that dont seem right. I think you have to take what you want from religion, and make it your own.  Religion could be as abstract as psychology is.  Everything is a theory and an idea. It could be an explaination to why you feel, live and what you believe.  It structure. its something that makes sense in the world, it gives and answer to the why. Believing that God has a path for you that you dont necessarily have to follow is comforting knowing someone is looking out for you. Its ultimately up to you to make the right decision though. haha this is funny. 

Haha this is funny, now i think of tta amyn.  "God has a path for you, and its up to you to follow, it has no problems because he would never want to hurt you. but if you stray, you'll make mistakes that you'll lie through and learn. The commandments and bible studies are good structures to ethical living  and Jesus was a man who tried to do good to everyone, and he was human.  How is that not admireable?  i could only hope to live my life like him.  i think a created a new view for myself today.

 i still want to go home though.

sometimes i just hate. cry. and stop talking.

i want to go home

 this is really a pointless post.

im a little envious of the girls with no hips and the misha barton body. they way they wear clothes (if  they are nice ones) is like art on a canvass. they can wear the most interesting things.

random i know.

i wanna try, to need nothing.

no shopping, and not having to always be made up. i did it pretty well in the summer. all i need is a t shirt, a pair of jeans and some comfy flip flops.

its a quiet thursday night. no loud country music, no broken glass, no flip cup, no fire alarms, im doing laundry and reading coelho


look book is tempting me to look nice!

why do we have so many developments and condos, when people live like this?



why aren't we happy with who we are?



"from ebony to ivory" skin whitening pills

is it so bad, that you cant even afford slippers?



They probably know, but they're still happy. why?


When people are starving, and people earn 100 pesos a day,  why is this here?


 why? why is the world like this. i hope this is not offensive. im sure there is a big economic answer to this. but why does it happen? am i so used to the western lifestyle that i cant accept less that whats been handed to me on a silver platter?  i spent most of my philippines trip being bitter against the government and the standards. The people are perfectly happy with it. they've accepted they're role in society, that perhaps  that instead of getting the golden award for resources and hospitality, they get the 'thank you for participating" sheet of paper.  they pay their dues to global economy with their exports and young mothers to watch children that arent their own. They leave their families to raise themselves so mommy can earn mommy to send hom for a pair of slippers or perhaps citizenship.  this is turning into a dirty rant. i wish the world was better. i wish that the recession would rest the world. so beyond the borders, oceans  and language barriers everyone can have alittle something. that would be communism. but who would reign? obama? maybe.  Or perhaps someone scientist can GMO the entire earth to produce 4 more. 3 to sustain our needs, and one for all the garbage. then again who am i to speak, i dished out  thousands on a coming out party to be a woman in society.

Is that all we need to contribute to society? to come out, have an opinion, have a party. im sure im not the only one in this ocean of flaudity. but we can all try... i think what hte world needs right now is a big pink bandage.

 i just want to plant trees, and teach people to plant trees.

but i cant.

because i need my freakin G licence!!!!

i need to be able to drive a car to plant a tree and get paid for it!!!!

what the GAY!

so does working for an environmental cafe/store count as working in the field.


BAWLS.



oh yeah!!!

march- niagara

april- Los Angeles

may- new york

im so excited to just get lost in central park, and wear a sundress, and have a NY hot dog and pizza, and and and... pretend to be carrie bradshaw.